magjunkie’s blog

Some time ago, I relied heavily on daily horoscopes to find out if it was going to be a good or bad day for me. I didn't just check them out as I was reading the papers. I actively sought them out - waiting for a colleague to finish flipping the papers so I could snatch the horoscope page from her and logging on to whatever webpage that I decided was accurate based on my personal trend analysis. And it wasn't just for amusement sake. It was for serious day-to-day consideration. I took the words seriously and would compare notes among various insights to draw some sort of a key message. I remember feeling lousy if they said things were not going to be smooth on a particular day or becoming optimistic on a supposedly good one. My happiness depended on them. Never mind the actual events of those days. That was how desperate I was for a sign - any sign.

I am not sure when it began but somehow, overnight it seems, I started to shun the horoscopes. I actually skip them consciously and close my eyes when the words threaten to fill me with doubts I know I don't need. Am not sure if it's because reading them reminds me of those silly days or if I am just so busy now that I don't have the energy to over-analyse stuff. What I know though is I don't ever want to go back there where my life depended on those guesses. This horoscope stuff...really, they are meant to entertain. Heh.

I thought I had peace but no, it was a just a facade. I can't focus at all. My mind is in a whirl all the time, like I had a set of scales constantly trying to balance each other out. And I keep going back and forth, back and forth, so much so that I am getting giddy from all the movements. The toughest part is I am not exactly sure I know what I want anymore. Perhaps I should just toss a coin and let it decide for me...

After a turbulent weekend of mood swings, I am finally experiencing a rare peace. Nothing happened and I didn't achieve any sort of enlightenment overnight. I just thought I shouldn't fret over things that will come but yet to arrive or things that I don't have control over. The coming days are filled with dreadful stuff to do but then whoever said life was supposed to be easy? So I will overlook the irksome parts and remind myself of the happy things. Yes, I will march on. 

For doors that have opened, for paths accessible and for decisions to make.
Difficult decisions no doubt. But thankful nevertheless.

Two minutes waiting for the next train feels longer than an hour of fun with your friends. Best friends.
Really, time is relative.
June, the longest month this year is finally coming to an end.
Hello July.

It's been an exceptionally rough day for me. So rough that I felt like giving up there and then. Of course I didn't. I was sane, or should I say insane, enough to balance my options. However, all the time I had in my mind a chant that said I am calling it quits. The more the chant went, the worse I felt. I didn't feel the liberation that comes with the choice to quit. Instead, I felt trapped. More than ever.

I left work at 7pm, before everyone, and yet it felt like one of the longest days I've had. I know, it's a matter of perspective and state of mind. Yes, I know. It's just that I simply couldn't find the other perspective. So I got deeper and deeper into the hollow until Mister said matter-of-factly, "You're negative." Am I? "Yes," he said. So I am.

At the end of the chat, I learned something - yes, this is not my dream job, yes, I am quitting one day and yes, that day could come pretty soon. But that doesn't mean I have to get through each day with such distaste. And worse, to let it show. I seem to get it now. Whatever it is, am glad the freakin rough day is almost over and I hope I will not have another one of it.

This is a sad and beautiful story at the same time. There are so many secrets, so much helplessness and yet so much unspoken love. I sympathised and yet was frustrated with David, the lead character, for all the things he should have said but didn't.

On the night he delivered his wife's twins, he made a tragic decision to protect his family. He gave his daughter away because she had Down's Syndrome. He only wanted to protect his wife and save her from the burden and grief of looking after a sick child. He thought he knew best because he grew up watching his mum grieve over his sick sister every single day till the day his sister died. He didn't want his wife to go through that pain so he told her their daughter had died at birth.

He didn't expect his wife's grief over their "dead" daughter and his guilt could bring such a deep hollow within his family. He couldn't mourn the death of their daughter with his wife because he knew the truth. He couldn't look at his son and not think about his daughter. He couldn't face his family because he had something to hide. So he stayed away, more and more each day. In the end, all the love he had was buried, along with the little memories of their daughter at her memorial service.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the world, she lived and grappled with life in her own way. And more importantly, she was loved, with or without her biological family.

Rating: 4 bookmarks out of 5

My life has deteriorated. I have become a frumpy old woman, hunched over her lunch box in front of her laptop talking to no one but myself. And I actually enjoy the solitude. Between social lunches with people I have no common interests with and lunching alone, I might just pick the latter any day, except that I begin to wonder what happened to my social skills.

Is this a sign of age? Someone tell me it's not please.

Increasingly, I find myself avoiding social gatherings with people I haven't kept in touch with for months. I evaded invites to lunches with vague replies like "yeah, let's catch up some day", knowing fully well that "some day" will never come. I cut short conversations. I feel a need to walk away after a corridor chat has taken more than five minutes of my time. Whatever it is that I have to get back to just seems more interesting to me than making small talk. What's wrong with me? I have no answer except that I have turned into an anti-social, boring old woman who might one day chase people out of my way with my trusted umbrella.

If you are, sit down with me.
Let's have coffee, enjoy the breeze and just watch the world go by.
Let's close our eyes and listen to our surrounding.
Can you hear it?
That's your heart beat slowing down.
If you're ready, you can get on the road anytime.
I'll watch you from here.
I'll wait around in case you get tired again.

I wouldn't have picked up this book if I were browsing in a bookstore. First, I am so over pining for commitment-phobe guys and I believe the reason they wouldn't commit is simply cos they don't love their girls enough. Period. Second, the book cover is an illustrated "his and hers" toothbrushes - so not reaching out to me. Call me shallow but I do judge a book by its cover before I contemplate picking it up - they either have an interesting cover or a really cool title. Or I must be really bored to be reading its back cover. So why do I have the book? Another loan from my friendly colleague ;)

However, I was quite hooked on the story, I must say. It's really a simple plot - they'd been together for four years, she wanted to get married but he wanted things to remain the way they were. To humour her, he agreed to marriage while half-heartedly preparing the wedding together with her. Finally, she had had enough and asked for a split and then the story told about his miserable life without her. Guess the ending.

Despite the no-brainer, I like the way the story flowed, how the male mind was dissected for the benefit of the female population and while I think less than half the men are as emotionally aware as the male lead, it is an assuring read. There is a funny line in the story that says "Women can do whatever they like when they like because all men are stupid". Don't shoot the messenger :p

Rating: 3 bookmarks out of 5